Dealing with feelings was never quite my forte. I wore my tough exterior like armor on a battlefield. I recycled all thoughts that would lead to disappointment until all reminders diminished. Once emerged, they collapse and hit me upfront, making me even less prepared. What I never realized was that I never fully exposed myself to let downs and loss.



My roller coaster of a summer plunged from its exhilarating high to an incredible low when my best friend, Julia, announced that she was moving to Germany two months earlier than anticipated. Her mom was returning to Germany from being stationed in Iraq, and she wanted Julia to leave her grandmother’s house once again to live with her. I could not even fathom how things would be without her, so I tangled the idea of her departure in the depths of my mind. For the remainder of the summer, we engaged in the regular activities and we lived our summer like it was not going to end on a disappointing note.



Despite my hopeful feelings of denial, the day inched closer and closer until it emerged like a jack-in-the-box. I rolled out of bed that morning that day and headed to Julia’s without taking any aspect of hygiene into consideration. It was the ripe hours of that dreadful August morning, and myself, as well as four friends gathered at her house to deliver an appropriate farewell. A wet tear progressed down my cheek, but I brushed it away, along with all feelings of sorrow. Not now. I glanced up at Julia and caught an unimaginable sadness in her sulky blue eyes. I was so selfish about sacrificing my best friend, I did not even bother to see things on her side of the spectrum. She had to give up a slew of things; familiarity, friends, family, and the future here that was intended. I decided to dispose my selfishness and be happy for her reunion with her mother and her escape out of this black hole of a town.



We all sat cross-legged on Julia’s bed in her bare room and dove into the past, reminiscing over old memories. With every sugar-coated giggle, I tasted the poignant tear filling. Those memories were all we had; no more tomorrows, no more next times, no more future of those memories that we clasped so tightly. We had what we had and the only thing we could do was embrace it.



The minute hand on Julia’s grandmother’s coo-coo clock extended to noon, and that was our cue. She was due to travel to K.I. Sawyer to catch her plane. My friends Barb, Aly, and I wanted to put our feelings off even longer, so we decided to take an unplanned road trip to see her off. On the way there, the radio blared of songs relating to my disheartening state. Lyrics of goodbyes danced in my head and haunted me. I fought back tears and sat in silence the entirety of our trip. Barb and Aly were not in high spirits, but that did not prevent them from attempting to provoke a smile on my face. Before this very day had approached, whispers of my feelings were brought up every time Julia’s departure was the topic.



“What is Jaci going to do without her?” they would say.



Getting sympathy from people was not what I desired. I just wanted my friend to stay. People I hardly knew were more concerned for my feelings than I was.



We arrived to the airport in good time and met Julia in the lounge where we waited. My mind was on spin cycle and fighting back tears was becoming more of a chore. Her grandmother, aunt and two little cousins were so chipper it disgusted me. The way her gap toothed cousins horse played and giggled almost provoked gag reflexes. It didn’t even appear like any of them were going to miss her. Before I knew it, I was being corralled by her aunt for a photo op.



“Smile,” she ordered, delivering a cheesy grin.



I looked at the camera blankly. I was not to falsely smile, for that would defeat the purpose of capturing the moment. Smiling was far from the top of my to-do list. I was conscious for how I looked; not because of my greasy, messy locks, or my mismatched pajamas, but the inevitable look of gloom in my eyes.



After pictures came the final farewell. I squeezed the life out of Julia, and my mind went numb. I waited for her to say something, anything.



“Goodbye,” she sobbed. “ Just remember, you will always be my best friend.”



I had my goodbye speech blueprinted to the very last adjective, but caught in the moment, my trembling lips couldn’t even spit out one word. I just hugged her harder and shed a single tear. My adieu was the last, so afterwards she slipped through the glass door of valedictions and handed her ticket to the airline attendant. Barb, Aly, and I stood there in our misery, as they violently sobbed while I stood there, numb, in disbelief of the situation. I was a rookie at goodbyes. I never once had to lose anyone close to me, and to send me through this with the person that understood me the best, the person I spent every day with, the person that was always there for me—it was simply unfair. Hatred for the situation consumed me. My mind could only focus on three words; its not fair. I bit my lip hard and tasted the acerbic taste of blood mixed with my saliva.



For final closure, we walked to the rear of the airport to see the airport ascend into the air. I glanced up into the hazy August sun to see the plane maneuver and prepare for take off. It was that very moment that my tough exterior had vanished and revealed my true self; my weak self. It was a peculiar juxtaposition. Realizing I was truly weak, made me stronger.



Lifst off. I buried my face in my sweatpants and let the warm, salty tears erupt. I cried long, hard sobs and did not shun my feelings of vulnerability and sadness because I was human. Raw, emotional, armor-less, human.